Month: October 2023

How to make (and accept) an apology

Apologies can be a very powerful healing tool. However, in my experience, few people apologize and even fewer do it correctly. We often model our behaviors, including our behavior when we need to apologize or accept an apology, based on how our parents and grandparents handled disagreement and apology. If they modeled problematic ways of repairing relationships, these tips may help you in your own life!

Showing remorse, and accepting remorse, is a skill that every person in a romantic relationship must develop. The ability to apologize and to accept an apology can go a long way towards repairing troubled relationships. Building “apology skills” helps us move on and grow.

I have found that there are very few couples where both partners are good at giving and accepting apologies. This is a shame because getting better at apologies can be a boon for your relationship. Try it and see for yourself!

Four tips for making an apology

Apologies, when done correctly, are great for healing your relationship and bringing you closer together.

✅  The correct way to apologize is to acknowledge your fault and stop there. Do not add excuses. For example, “I am sorry for losing my temper and talking to you like I did.”

❌ The incorrect way is to blame your partner and avoid taking responsibility. For example, “I am sorry I lost my temper. However, if you had not done or said ____ I would not have said those things.”

✅  Be sincere.

❌ Avoid apologizing in the heat of the moment where you really don’t mean it. An insincere apology will just dig your relationship into a deeper hole. When you are both calm, apologize from the heart.

Two tips for accepting an apology

Your goal when accepting an apology is to uplift your partner, not humiliate them. Graciously accepting an apology opens the door to sharing and intimacy.

✅  The person on the receiving end of the apology should accept the apology with charity and acceptance, remembering we all make mistakes and need forgiveness.

❌ The incorrect way of accepting an apology (which is, unfortunately, the usual way), is to rub the person’s nose into it, roll your eyes, glare at them, or tell them something like, “The next time don’t be so stupid like your mother and you won’t have to apologize.” This is a sure way to shut down any future apologies!

Why apologies often launch more fighting

Have you ever found yourself or your spouse trying to apologize, but just getting deeper into conflict? Often, apologies contribute to a downward spiral, frustrating both of you and inflicting more damage to your relationship.

If you try and justify your behavior by blaming your partner – stop. This will not go well.

Trying to create a distraction, by dredging up your partner’s history of errors is also not a good idea. When you need to apologize, “the best defense is a good offense” is just not true. Bringing up old hurts will lead to more anger and more resentment. Stay in the present and deal with the problem that you have right now.

Get into the spirit of apology; get away from “blame and shame”

Before you apologize, take a moment to pause. Is your apology aimed at healing? Is your apology going to blame or shame your partner?

A sincere apology shows your partner that you are open and able to change for the benefit of your marriage.

When you are on the receiving end of an apology, listen – really listen – to your partner. Allow them to speak without interruption. Wait until they are done before you respond. By listening carefully, you will make your partner feel valued and they will be less defensive. Acknowledge your partner’s strength in being willing to apologize and honor their courage by graciously accepting the apology.

Reach out for help

Sincere apologies build and restore relationships. They are a sign of strength and character.

An effective apology is not like a time machine. It can’t erase what happened, but it can enable your marriage to move on. I would love to meet you and hear your story! Just call to book your first appointment or simply fill out my contact form and click Send.

Our Therapy Process

• Book Appointment

• Therapy Sessions

• Gain Confidence

Is your couch killing your sex life?

Carrie had devolved into a couch potato. If her eyes stayed open long enough she’d catch TV ads for sex-enhancing pharmaceuticals (which carry as much promise as counseling for married couples.) Luckily she was too exhausted to recall the name of the drug, but just alert enough to learn something from the advertisers. She realized their marketing strategy was targeting a demographic that’s still sitting on the couch staring at the screen at 2am – and that’s after sitting on a chair staring at a computer screen all day.

One night Carrie looked at the news feed on her phone and read a headline that jolted her off the couch: inactivity is now the fourth leading risk factor for death from heart disease in the US. Along with high blood sugar, prolonged sitting increases moodiness and depression while decreasing motivation. It also puts a damper on sexual function and libido. Slowly and imperceptibly, one neuron at a time, inactivity was remodeling her brain. She imagined her neurons short-circuiting, like her overheated outlet.

Turning off the TV, Carrie marched over to her boyfriend Jim and his BFF, the well-worn PS4. She made him vow that next time he caught her drooping into a sedentary state for hours and hours that he’d grab her and run for the woods. Literally. They would get themselves outdoors and just move – in any way that felt good.

It wasn’t easy the first time, but when she reminded him how long it’s been since they’d made love, Jim stumbled across the threshold. She even grabbed the hose and sprayed it up over their heads, to release a giggle and wash the electronic visions out of their eyes. Then they were off to inhale some fresh air and tranquility in their county forest preserve. Their walk started off slow, their attention darting periodically back to their phones. But gradually they began to absorb the sights, sounds, and sunrays of the forest. It wasn’t until the ride home that Jim admitted how good it felt and how it really was worth the effort – which was actually quite small once he’d gotten his shoes on.

Whether you like to bike, jog, or just walk and inhale the moonlit oxygen, a mere 20 minutes of movement and fresh air can literally awaken your senses, and your sense of the relationship you’re in. Exercising together is ideal, but going alone will serve the purpose. As your heart rate increases and endorphins flood your brain you’ll feel invigorated (and ok, sore if it’s been a while.) You will literally begin to see the world through a different lens. A crisper, clearer less celluloid-y picture in which romance can begin to seem possible again. And if you’re both sore afterward you can chide each other and massage each other into recovery. What better way to invite intimacy back into your bedroom?

Any other ideas?

Thanks for sharing. Your stories help me rescue relationships all over the world!

Cheers – to less talk and more love!
Phil

To talk to Phil about your relationship, call today, or fill out the contact form and click Send.

Our Therapy Process

• Book Appointment

• Therapy Sessions

• Gain Confidence