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Debunking traditional approaches with the heartrepreneur

When conventional advice is ruining your relationship, this new technique is your path to personal peace. Try Phil’s method if the following tactics haven’t worked for your relationship:

• Express yourself
• Get in touch with your anger
• Always be honest and open about what you’re feeling and thinking
• Never go to bed mad at each other.

Listen to the heartrepreneur podcast here:

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What does it take to have a long-lasting relationship?

Our relationships affect our physical health. Be brave enough to treat yourself and your partner well.

Phil DeLuca was interviewed by Daa’iyah Cixx on Healthy RELATIONSHIP Talk Radio.

Click here to watch the video.

Untalk Couples therapy in Matthews

Philip DeLuca MSW, LCSW is a couples counselor and relationship expert in Matthews, North Carolina.

To talk to Phil about your relationship, or individual counseling, call today, or fill out the contact form and click Send.

Our Therapy Process

• Book Appointment

• Therapy Sessions

• Gain Confidence

Communication Clichés

Does “Talk through your problems” sound familiar? How about “Never go to bed mad at each other or you are running from the problem” or “Express your anger; repressed anger kills”?

Chances are you have answered yes and even use them in your relationships. However, there is one problem with these communications clichés: they are 60 years dated, have never been supported by science, and they don’t work!!! Even worse, they increase arguments! In fact, chronic use of them to resolve relationship conflict and communication will lead to diseased relationships as well as diseased bodies from all the stress they generate. At least, that is what the latest mind-body science is telling us.

That same science is telling us that if you want to communicate more effectively and resolve conflict, then you need to stop talking in order to communicate! Say what?? Yes, the latest science on how our minds work and the changes that occur to our bodies and brains when we get upset makes it very clear that the worse thing a person and couple can do is “talk it through” when they are upset.

I describe what the latest science has to say about resolving argument in my free webinar “Stop Your Fighting Tonight!” It can be seen here.

My “Five Steps Back To Love” communication approach integrates the latest mind-body science into an alternative communication approach that frequently works where current approaches fail. No more arguing in counseling sessions just like you do at home. If you are interested in a 21st-century approach to conflict resolution, please feel free to schedule an initial assessment by calling or filling out the contact form and pressing Send.

Our Therapy Process

• Book Appointment

• Therapy Sessions

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How to Break the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern

Are you feeling distanced from your partner?  Your relationship can get better. Contact Phil DeLuca today.

Is your partner pulling away?

The pursuer-distancer pattern is one of the most common causes of divorce and separation. Most often it happens with the wife seeking a closer connection from a withdrawing husband. But not always, it can happen the other way too.

In my practice, it is common for me to see couples that have found themselves in an ongoing cycle. One of the partners is pursuing or demanding attention and affection while the other is seeking their space and distance. Your partner may be going through mental health difficulties such as anxiety or depression and needs to learn how to communicate it with you.

If the couple does not address the issue and work to understand each other’s needs, they are likely to break up. Even worse, it is very common for each to move on and repeat the pattern in later relationships.

Why does the distancer pull away?

In the pursuer-distancer pattern,  the one who withdraws is not usually seeking disconnection from their partner. In many cases people who withdraw want closeness but do not feel or believe it is possible. Past experiences can lead withdrawers to believe once they allow themselves to become vulnerable and close, the other person leaves.

This perception is often developed during childhood. Parents can reject a child displaying intense emotions or need for attention. Children raised by parents who cannot consistently support their child’s need for emotional support often develop an avoidant attachment style. The avoidant attachment style is a coping strategy as the child learns to suppress emotions and self-soothe rather than reach out to those around him or her for comfort.

As a result, most people who distance themselves in relationships need closeness and connection in the same way as their partner does, they simply have a different strategy. Maintaining distance is a way to stay in the relationship.

How can we get help?

If you’ve tried traditional relationship therapy you probably remember being asked to sit on a pricey, comfortable couch and follow your impulse to “talk out” all that anger, frustration, and irritation with your partner, spouse, child, or parent.

Phil DeLuca wants you to stop talking for a while.

That advice may sound counterintuitive, but it’s coming from a man who has saved thousands of relationships from what he calls the “Dead Zone,” that post-prickly, numbed-out point in a relationship when you simply stop caring about your loved one.

That advice is coming from a counselor who studied and employed traditional talk therapy in his own relationships 30 years ago. After filling his wall with degrees, however, Phil started to rebel and develop this revolutionary holistic approach to communication.  With Phil, expect the unexpected – both in your session and in your results.

Change the pursuer-distancer pattern and heal the relationship

In therapy, issues that are keeping you apart can be understood and addressed. In my practice, I help couples learn how to connect again and find a way to understand their own and their partner’s needs.

It is essential to heal the pursuer-distancer pattern and what underlies it. When we understand what is driving our own and our partner’s behavior, it is easier to communicate our feelings and find a way back to each other.

Contact

If you would like to learn more, you are welcome to call and book an appointment or fill out my contact form and click Send.

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Wake Up! Communication is Essential

Phil DeLuca was hosted by Rebecca Sounds Reveille on Wake Up! Communication is Essential.
Watch this video to hear Phil and Rebecca talk about:

• how understanding communication impacts relationships and how it carries over into every other relationship we have
• how we learn to communicate from our parents and how our communication is influenced by society and media around us
• how the way we communicate affects our relationships

Untalk therapy in Matthews

Philip DeLuca MSW, LCSW is a couples counselor and relationship expert in Matthews, North Carolina. He also provides therapy for those struggling with depression, anxiety, or later life transitions.

To talk to Phil about your relationship, or individual counseling, call today, or fill out the contact form and click Send.

Our Therapy Process

• Book Appointment

• Therapy Sessions

• Gain Confidence

What’s the problem with pornography?

One of the issues pushing people apart that was not a problem, or significantly less so in years past, is pornography.

Because I frequently focus on infidelity recovery and sexual intimacy enhancement situations, I have become very familiar with the often long-term negative effects of hardcore internet pornography on sexual intimacy, sexual performance, trust, fidelity, and self-esteem in committed relationships. In short, I have seen many marriages and relationships crumble due to pornography.

According to Covenant Eyes:

• Thirty-five percent of downloads from the internet are pornographic. Forty million Americans say they regularly visit porn sites. Seventy percent of men aged 18–24 visit a porn site at least once per month. The largest consumer group of online porn is men between the ages of 35 and 49.
• Estimated revenues for sex-related businesses are around $15 billion in the United States — more than Major League Baseball, NFL and NBA revenues combined.
• A total of 28,258 users watch pornography every second. Twelve percent of all content on the internet is pornographic.
• One in five mobile searches is for pornography.
• 88% of scenes in porn films contain acts of physical aggression, and 49% of scenes contain verbal aggression.
• Higher percentages of porn site subscriptions come from zip codes that are more urban, higher than average in household income, and have a higher degree of formal education.
• 99% of teens and 96% of young adults are either encouraging, accepting, or neutral when they talk about porn with their friends.
• Just 55% of adults 25 and older believe porn is wrong. Teens and young adults aged 13–24 believe not recycling is worse than viewing pornography.
• 68% of divorce cases involved one party meeting a new lover over the internet, and 56% had one party having “an obsessive interest” in pornographic websites.

Pornography addiction causes isolation, anxiety, depression, compulsive sexual behavior, and erectile dysfunction.

In addition, children are accessing pornography at alarming rates, inadvertently and intentionally. On children, even one exposure to hardcore internet pornography can have immediate and damaging effects on the developing brain of a child. Some children can become ‘hooked’ after one or two exposures to pornography and go to great lengths to gain access. There is also a correlation between pornography and sex trafficking.

If you or someone you know is struggling with pornography addiction, it could really damage the relationships around them. It’s important to get help, contact me for more information on recovering from such a difficult addiction.

Our Therapy Process

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Is Depression Destroying Your Relationship?

Unfortunately, depression and conflict often go hand in hand. Depression — a treatable disorder — can have devastating effects on a marriage or relationship.

With reported rates of depression numbering more than 300 million people worldwide (see World Health Organization, 2018), we need to understand the impact of depression on marriage and intimate relationships. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, during the year 2016, an estimated 16.2 million adults in the United States suffered from at least one depressive episode.

While depression affects both men and women, women are about twice as likely to suffer from depression than men. Additionally, women are more likely to experience co-occurring anxiety if they are experiencing depression while men are more likely to experience co-occurring alcohol abuse.

How depression can impact relationships

If one or both partners is suffering from depression the relationship will be impacted, especially if the depression is untreated and continues over time. People who are suffering from depression often have distorted cognitions and interpret things in a negative way. The depressed partner may not feel worthy of love and may expect the relationship to end. Physical symptoms of depression may also take its toll on the couple’s life. Physical symptoms of depression include:

• lack of energy
• trouble sleeping
• digestive problems
• a worsening of chronic pain (if there was already an issue)
• changes in appetite or weight (increasing or decreasing)

If you would like to read the full list of symptoms for depression you can read the article here.

Changes in character or personality

Some people complain that living with a depressed partner is almost like having a third person in the relationship. During a depressive episode, a person’s worldview can shift and suddenly become more negative. Everything feels hopeless, and even the relationship is perceived negatively. Once the episode passes and the person feels better, it can feel like your old partner has returned. These ups and downs can make life more difficult.

Medication can affect libido

Depression itself and medication for depression can impact sexual desire for both men and women. If you and your partner are concerned about libido, depression, and medication, it is important to talk to your doctor and understand the issues. Not all kinds of depression need medication, and psychotherapy can help. Ultimately, you, your therapist, and your doctor need to discuss the issues and understand the options of treatment.

Therapy and UnTalk therapy in Matthews

Depression is among the most treatable disorders. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) has been shown repeatedly to be effective in treating depression. Individual therapy and Untalk therapy for couples can help both partners understand the effects of depression and how it is impacting their lives together. Depression is a serious illness, but neither you or your partner have to suffer alone. There are many options for help available.

Philip DeLuca MSW, LCSW is a couples counselor and relationship expert in Matthews, North Carolina.

If you would like to learn more, you are welcome to call and book your first appointment or fill out our contact form and click Send.

Our Therapy Process

• Book Appointment

• Therapy Sessions

• Gain Confidence

How to make (and accept) an apology

Apologies can be a very powerful healing tool. However, in my experience, few people apologize and even fewer do it correctly. We often model our behaviors, including our behavior when we need to apologize or accept an apology, based on how our parents and grandparents handled disagreement and apology. If they modeled problematic ways of repairing relationships, these tips may help you in your own life!

Showing remorse, and accepting remorse, is a skill that every person in a romantic relationship must develop. The ability to apologize and to accept an apology can go a long way towards repairing troubled relationships. Building “apology skills” helps us move on and grow.

I have found that there are very few couples where both partners are good at giving and accepting apologies. This is a shame because getting better at apologies can be a boon for your relationship. Try it and see for yourself!

Four tips for making an apology

Apologies, when done correctly, are great for healing your relationship and bringing you closer together.

✅  The correct way to apologize is to acknowledge your fault and stop there. Do not add excuses. For example, “I am sorry for losing my temper and talking to you like I did.”

❌ The incorrect way is to blame your partner and avoid taking responsibility. For example, “I am sorry I lost my temper. However, if you had not done or said ____ I would not have said those things.”

✅  Be sincere.

❌ Avoid apologizing in the heat of the moment where you really don’t mean it. An insincere apology will just dig your relationship into a deeper hole. When you are both calm, apologize from the heart.

Two tips for accepting an apology

Your goal when accepting an apology is to uplift your partner, not humiliate them. Graciously accepting an apology opens the door to sharing and intimacy.

✅  The person on the receiving end of the apology should accept the apology with charity and acceptance, remembering we all make mistakes and need forgiveness.

❌ The incorrect way of accepting an apology (which is, unfortunately, the usual way), is to rub the person’s nose into it, roll your eyes, glare at them, or tell them something like, “The next time don’t be so stupid like your mother and you won’t have to apologize.” This is a sure way to shut down any future apologies!

Why apologies often launch more fighting

Have you ever found yourself or your spouse trying to apologize, but just getting deeper into conflict? Often, apologies contribute to a downward spiral, frustrating both of you and inflicting more damage to your relationship.

If you try and justify your behavior by blaming your partner – stop. This will not go well.

Trying to create a distraction, by dredging up your partner’s history of errors is also not a good idea. When you need to apologize, “the best defense is a good offense” is just not true. Bringing up old hurts will lead to more anger and more resentment. Stay in the present and deal with the problem that you have right now.

Get into the spirit of apology; get away from “blame and shame”

Before you apologize, take a moment to pause. Is your apology aimed at healing? Is your apology going to blame or shame your partner?

A sincere apology shows your partner that you are open and able to change for the benefit of your marriage.

When you are on the receiving end of an apology, listen – really listen – to your partner. Allow them to speak without interruption. Wait until they are done before you respond. By listening carefully, you will make your partner feel valued and they will be less defensive. Acknowledge your partner’s strength in being willing to apologize and honor their courage by graciously accepting the apology.

Reach out for help

Sincere apologies build and restore relationships. They are a sign of strength and character.

An effective apology is not like a time machine. It can’t erase what happened, but it can enable your marriage to move on. I would love to meet you and hear your story! Just call to book your first appointment or simply fill out my contact form and click Send.

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Is your couch killing your sex life?

Carrie had devolved into a couch potato. If her eyes stayed open long enough she’d catch TV ads for sex-enhancing pharmaceuticals (which carry as much promise as counseling for married couples.) Luckily she was too exhausted to recall the name of the drug, but just alert enough to learn something from the advertisers. She realized their marketing strategy was targeting a demographic that’s still sitting on the couch staring at the screen at 2am – and that’s after sitting on a chair staring at a computer screen all day.

One night Carrie looked at the news feed on her phone and read a headline that jolted her off the couch: inactivity is now the fourth leading risk factor for death from heart disease in the US. Along with high blood sugar, prolonged sitting increases moodiness and depression while decreasing motivation. It also puts a damper on sexual function and libido. Slowly and imperceptibly, one neuron at a time, inactivity was remodeling her brain. She imagined her neurons short-circuiting, like her overheated outlet.

Turning off the TV, Carrie marched over to her boyfriend Jim and his BFF, the well-worn PS4. She made him vow that next time he caught her drooping into a sedentary state for hours and hours that he’d grab her and run for the woods. Literally. They would get themselves outdoors and just move – in any way that felt good.

It wasn’t easy the first time, but when she reminded him how long it’s been since they’d made love, Jim stumbled across the threshold. She even grabbed the hose and sprayed it up over their heads, to release a giggle and wash the electronic visions out of their eyes. Then they were off to inhale some fresh air and tranquility in their county forest preserve. Their walk started off slow, their attention darting periodically back to their phones. But gradually they began to absorb the sights, sounds, and sunrays of the forest. It wasn’t until the ride home that Jim admitted how good it felt and how it really was worth the effort – which was actually quite small once he’d gotten his shoes on.

Whether you like to bike, jog, or just walk and inhale the moonlit oxygen, a mere 20 minutes of movement and fresh air can literally awaken your senses, and your sense of the relationship you’re in. Exercising together is ideal, but going alone will serve the purpose. As your heart rate increases and endorphins flood your brain you’ll feel invigorated (and ok, sore if it’s been a while.) You will literally begin to see the world through a different lens. A crisper, clearer less celluloid-y picture in which romance can begin to seem possible again. And if you’re both sore afterward you can chide each other and massage each other into recovery. What better way to invite intimacy back into your bedroom?

Any other ideas?

Thanks for sharing. Your stories help me rescue relationships all over the world!

Cheers – to less talk and more love!
Phil

To talk to Phil about your relationship, call today, or fill out the contact form and click Send.

Our Therapy Process

• Book Appointment

• Therapy Sessions

• Gain Confidence